So it’s a funny old month, we have hit day 121 on lockdown today. I have successfully gained and lost a job in a week! My son has had over 30,000 hits on a video he is in on YouTube. Over the last few months we have had very limited celebrations for the kids birthdays and my own, and today I find myself trying to stay positive and celebrate my partner, George’s birthday. It’s all very strange.
I have done a collage of photo memories, tagged him on social media for UK radio stations and prayed every single day for the travel to open up so that George can be here, and obviously have sent some lovely messages, but it just is not the same as being with him. This is particularly hard when lots of people and family are also in the same lockdown trance madness. I feel so alone it’s madness.
I find myself in the midst of the lockdown with no kids, medication that knocks me out for hours sleeping (literally slept 22 hours the other day), and, with the exception of George’s consistent positive messages of love and encouragement (which I am so thankful for) I find myself alone and numb.
And I am not alone, God is with me, I find myself pressing into prayer and time in his presence a lot more, to contain and control the feelings of complete isolation and loneliness, which I cover well with a huge smile on my face normally, but now even that is becoming harder.
I am struggling to stay positive being the ball in, what feels like, the ‘patient tennis’ competition. I have been bounced between my GP and mental health in two counties. This is highly frustrating because all I have asked for is my ADHD diagnosis to be ‘fast tracked’ but they are treating me for hypomania, which is killing my personality with the meds they have given me. Quetiapine if you are interested.
How much longer Lord? How much longer do we have to wait for you to step in and take control? I don’t know what I have done that is so wrong that you would put my partner thousands of miles away in a different country, then lock down all the airports to prevent us being together. What are you trying to tell me?
This time is so tough, and the elements (or tools of Satan) such as doubt and anger begin to creep in. And all I can do right now is sit with him, tell him all about my sorrows and concerns and what is making me so cross, pray on it all in Jesus name, then have a good cry, straighten myself up and tell myself off for being such an idiot, then move on to the next hour of my life.
It is now that I realise the importance of faith at this time, because I think of those who don’t have Jesus to turn to. How awful it must be to be stuck at home, alone, with no outlet for all the angst and bitterness.
The other day I wrote an open prayer to God, and I thought it would be a good idea to share with you, so that you can see how my personal relationship with God works. Most importantly I’m thankful to God for all I have, because there are millions of people who would be happy to be in my situation right now.
Until next blog I pray for safety and good health for all around the world. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
The question I ask myself often is do people really actually care? Am I being a little over sensitive? Who are my real friends? Where are they? What is a real friend? Are people scared of me? Are people afraid of faith? Are people afraid of what I may do? And then I remember reading something in the bible about ‘counting it all pure joy’ despite what I am going through. Then smile and just get on with my day.
George’s song with Divine Voices (below) also reminds me that we are surrounded by fake churches and pastors too, so take care, be mindful, and always refer back to the only one you can trust, and that is God, and his word, the Bible.