It’s been a long time since I put an entry in here

It’s been a long time…

Daughter woke me up this morning, had a lot of pain in my hands for some reason, may be related to eating toast yesterday (bread), something that I need to monitor because it is affecting how I feel. She encouraged me to go out for a walk, which my body did not want to do, but once I made myself go, I began to feel much better.

The air was damp, but fresh smelling and was lovely to hear all the birds while walking. I particularly noticed the good work that the landscapers had done for the local public areas.

I reviewed my old posts, and noticed the pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviours for the last year. The depression comes, I stop functioning and withdraw from human contact, which at the moment is minimal due to the covid pandemic lockdown restrictions.

I am definitely craving hugs and some normality like going back to the gym and church. Did some drawing the other day after going to an open prayer session at the church on Thursday evening. Definitely felt it was good for how I felt, and I am going to start drawing more in lockdown to remove the ‘boredom’ thoughts.

I’ve not been working for over a year now, something I have come to accept, however I did speak to someone at the church about volunteering there in the food bank, or cafe, or basically anything to see what I think and feel when given a timescale, work tasks and need to be at a specific place at a specific time. I’m still too scared and anxious to even attempt going back into IT Support, no matter how much I miss it.

Recently I felt anxious just before making an arrangement, and more often than not, cancelled the appointment. Living with depression is hard, but my faith helps me to stay strong. I have not had any suicidal thoughts, which is a good thing in comparison to 20 years ago. I have found that the relationships established during lockdown with brothers and sisters in Christ, and in listening to and sharing music on social media has also really helped, and provided me with some kind of purpose, to support and encourage others.